Emotional Perfectionism

We have all heard people say “I’m a perfectionist” or “I have a perfectionistic personality.” But what does that mean exactly? Typically what it means (in non-clinical terms) is “you feel best when you think you have met your own standard of perfection.” Because let’s face it, there is no “universal standard” of perfection; it doesn’t exist. But we will try dang hard to prove to ourselves and those around us that we can meet this non-existent ideal. 

The most common forms of perfectionism we see are usually based on performance, academics, sports, talents, etc. We strive to be the best, to achieve the straights A’s, to be first place, and to be better than our peers in whatever we do. But, what we often fail to talk about is “emotional perfectionism.” This form of perfectionism is stealing our happiness, causing anxiety, and negatively affecting our ability to connect with others and ourself. Emotional perfectionism is holding ourselves to an emotional standard that does not allow us to feel negative emotions (or what we perceive as negative emotions) towards anything. We feel we should have impossible control over our feelings. For example we will say: 

1. I shouldn’t have been mad about that.
2. That shouldn’t have bugged me. 
3. I should just get over this. 
4. I should never appear sad or people will think I’m not doing well.  

In other words, we have very little tolerance of any unpleasant feelings, and we immediately dismiss them. Why is this a problem? Because life is unpleasant, difficult situations are unpleasant, and when we have to be “emotionally perfect” in everything we do, our anxiety shoots through the roof, and we start to feel we can never please anyone. 

The areas we tend to be “emotionally perfect” with depends greatly on the individual; this is defined by you. Therapy can be useful because it explores the areas you struggle with, can help you identify the root cause and/or origin, and it teaches you how to view things differently. Emotionally healthy people tend to allow all emotions to be felt, and learning to express them appropriately increases confidence and decreases anxiety. Although suppressing feelings can be useful in specific situations, overtime it can keep you from moving forward in your own life. Call for a free consult or to make an appointment today.